The Bear Hunter

Man: I want to kill a bear. I’m not talking about hunting. I want to murder a bear. I don’t care how it gets in front of me. Hear me out - go get your posse, go into the woods with a couple of stun guns –

Dude: How did I get involved in this?

Man: - and round up some bears. Put them in a truck, drive it to a warehouse, and tie them to the ground. I’ll come in, pull out my double Uzii, and just – pow pow pow pow pow – dead.

Dude: That's horrible. There's no sport in that.

Man: I'd hunt a bear, too. On its own turf, man to man. Just me, in the woods, alone, ‘cause I’m not very fun to be around. Taking shots at deer, ducks, quail. My girlfriend hates when I kill quail, on account of they're cute. I agree with her, they're cute. Deer, deer are the illegal immigrants of the outdoors. If I were a giant I would crush deer with my huge boot. I’m not a giant, so I use a gun. I’ll sit behind a tree at the top of a hill, looking for deer to exterminate and, blap! Blap! Dead.

Dude: Did you just say “blap?”

Man: (Making gun motion) Blap, blap! Shootin’ ‘em dead. F’n deer.

Dude: You can’t say ‘blap,’ nobody says, ‘blap.’ Never ‘blap.’

Dude: I was born this way.

Man: But you’ll help me, right?

Dude: Help you what?

Man: You got me hard — you could at least jack me off or something. It’s not so cool to leave me with a hard on.

Dude: I hate that scene in Boogie Nights.

Man: It’s a metaphor. You gave me a hard-on for man-on-bear violence, and now I need you to help me ejaculate.

Dude: I am not helping you kill a bear.

Man: Oh, hell no, that’s illegal! Don’t say that. Conspiracy. Besides, we have to work our way up.

Dude: Up?

Man: You drive us to the zoo.

Dude: Or down?

Man: We buy tickets, so it looks legit. Just hang around, let people see us. Then we leave, sneak around the fence, snip a hole into the bear pen, lure a bear over with a treat, and then take turns punching it in the face.

Dude: It’d just run away. Or bite your hand off.

Man: You don’t know bears. They’re like illegal immigrants – tenacious. You put a little hole in the fence and drape some bacon around the edges of it. That bear’ll get its head stuck in the hole, we’ll throw some duct tape around its mouth, then it’s punching season.

Dude: That’s messed up.

Man: A couple of months later, we do it again, but this time, the bear gets to use his arms. It’ll be the last time he uses them.