The Story of Bunsmas

Long ago, when King Herod ruled Judea, God sent the angel Gabriel to a young woman who lived in the town of Nazareth.

The angel appeared and said, "Peace be with you, Mary!  God has blessed you and is pleased with you.  You will become pregnant by the Holy Spirit and give birth to a baby boy.  You will call him Jesus.  He will be God's own son and his kingdom will never end."

Mary thought about this for a while and said, "I really appreciate the gesture, Gabriel, but I've been putting off the whole kids thing for a while now and I just don't think we're ready.  The carpenting business is slow right now and Joseph has been listening to a lot of reggae lately.  I'm just feeling like maybe he's not the one."

"How much reggae are we talking about?" Gabriel inquired.  Mary walked him into Joseph's room and they looked at all of the blacklight posters on the wall.

"I've talked to God and he's willing to hold off on the Jesus thing for a bit.  He's willing to offer you a baby girl whose kingdom will last for a thousand years."

"Wow, that's really generous," Mary said, stalling.  "I've got this cousin, Elizabeth, who's getting heck of lonely in her old age and has been crying about it nonstop every time I go to see her.  I really feel like she'd be happier carrying your divine baby.  Just between the two of us, I'm trying to keep this body tight and right."

"It is a fairly tight bod, for a human.  Go and see Elizabeth, and God will bless you otherwise."

Mary wrote a passive aggressive note asking Joseph to please buy some more frankincense to cover up the various smells coming out of his room, and went to go see her sister.  Elizabeth made a big show about having a secret that she just couldn't wait to tell Mary, but Mary just rolled her eyes and made coughing noises whenever Elizabeth hinted about her new baby.  After a couple of weeks, Mary knit a baby hat that said "Fartilda," dropped it on Elizabeth's bed, and headed back home.

When Joseph saw Mary he marveled at how much her backside had grown.  "What have you been feeding that thing?" he asked with his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth.

"What are you talking about?" Mary asked, spinning around, trying to sneak a peek.  She ran her hands over her voluminous hams, thinking back to that day when the angel Gabriel had blessed her thrice.  "I just ate a lot of carbs at Elizabeth's.  She keeps saying she's eating for two but it's more like three or four."

Joseph nodded and smiled but didn't tell her that the angel Gabriel had visited him too.  Gabriel told him that God had delivered unto them a blessing that would save them all.  At the time he thought that maybe it was a son who would grow up to play professional sports, but it looked like it was just going to be a fat pair of buns that would be sure to keep the lead in his pencil.

Mary remembered why she had liked Joseph in the first place (he was very dumb and sweet) and they spent a lot of time canoodling.  He asked her to marry him one day after they DI'd, and maybe it was just the oxytocin but she said yes.

At this time, the land where Mary and Joseph lived was part of the Roman Empire. The emperor Augustus wanted to have a list of all the people in the empire to make sure they paid their taxes.  He told everyone to return to the town where their families came from, and enter their names in a census.  Each family would also be given a raffle ticket.

Joseph had always dreamed of winning a raffle, so he dragged Mary all the way back to Bethlehem.  By this time several months had passed and Mary's butt was gigantic.  She had stopped letting Elizabeth come over, as Elizabeth would only speak in riddles, saying things like, "When you sit around the house you really sit around the house," and "Your back half is so fat, it needs its own postal code."

When they finally reached Bethlehem, they needed to find somewhere to stay.  At the inn, the innkeeper looked Joseph up and down and said they were all booked up.  "Please, my wife is encumbered.  We need a place to stay," he said, pitifully.  

The innkeeper looked Mary up and down.  "I'm sorry, we can't even fit that thing through the door.  Why don't you just prop that booty up with a stick and sleep under it?"

Joseph slammed the door to the inn and told Mary that he'd rather sleep with the animals anyway.  They snuck around back and went into the barn.  The animals didn't seem to mind Joseph's tuneless humming or various aromas, and Mary was pooped.  She scooted her voluminous buns into the nearest manger and curled up on the floor between two turd piles.  They fell fast asleep and all night the animals arranged themselves artfully around the couple.

As they slept, God went around tying people's shoelaces together and putting clear tape on their thresholds.  Then he woke them up all at once and startled the shit out of everyone.  They were pissed off at first but then they saw God's shit-eating grin and pretended to be amused.  "All right, all right, all right," God said, "I've got good news!"

"Can we go back to the Garden of Eden?" a shepherd asked, but God stopped smiling and someone elbowed the shepherd in the ribs and it was awkward for a minute.

"Anyways... Today in Bethlehem a savior has been born in a manger!"

"Oh well that's cool too," the shepherd said, wincing.  He ran to catch up with all of his friends who were running towards the inn.  When they got there they saw Mary's huge buns and were like, "Woah.  I've got to tell everyone about this!"

The shepherds went around telling their friends about this lady's huge ass, and their friends were like, "Cool."  But then the shepherds were like, "No you don't get it.  You've got to see it in person."  And then they did, and it was better than good.

Angels, shepherds, carpenters, and the other three types of people that existed in those days spread the story far and wide.  Some Wise Men (who happened to also be ass men) heard about this miraculous booty and came to Judea bearing lotions and various stretch fabrics.  "Where is this bountiful buns that makes even the limpest noodle go al dente?" they inquired.

Herod, the king of Judea, heard this and it made him very angry to think that he spent all of his day doing side bends and sit-ups and no one was paying attention to his backside.  He sent for the Wise Men to come to him.  He said, "When you find those sheep let me know so I can peep them."  But Herod did not tell them that he was more of a tit man himself, and wouldn't be able to appreciate the buns.

The Wise Men found the tent that had been built around the ever-widening buns and laid down their gifts.  "Here's some lotion for your skin, some stretchy fabric to swaddle those globes, and here's a magazine to read when you get bored."  The Wise Men turned to go but Mary told them to stay and write poems about her buns.

That night, an angel appeared to Joseph in a dream.  "Get up," the angel said, "Build a house around the buns and lean up against it like you're waiting for a camel to pick you up.  Herod is coming to murder the buns so that his subjects will turn their attention back on him."

When Herod arrived he told all of the shapely women and men to come out of their houses so he could gaze upon their buns.  "There are no fat buns here, my king," the Wise Man said.  They pointed at Mary leaning up against the wall, saying, "That woman has the fattest buns in our whole city, and hers are like two raisins taped to a dust pan."

"You call that a buns?  This is a buns!"  Herod shouted, pulling off his tunic and brandishing his firm but fleshy posterior at them.  He stomped all the way back to his palace and sat on his hands, squeezing his buns furiously.

At this point everyone was pretty sick of looking at the buns and Mary just wanted to go back home and close her curtains and take a bath.  When they got home there was a note from Elizabeth about her new son Jesus, who was supposedly a big honkin' deal.  "She's never going to shut up about this," Mary said, so they changed their names and moved to Nazareth.

Epilogue

Herod died after being ranked fourth in a "Best Body Parts of Judea" year-end list.  The Wise Men went home and set their poems to music and invented Sir Mix-a-Lot.  Joseph's name was drawn in the raffle but no one showed up to claim the prize.  Mary's buns went back to their original size but every now and then she'd bend over and something on a table ten feet away would knock over and fall on the floor.  Jesus overcame his helicopter parenting to do various memorable things like become a carpenter and get crucified.  The buns lived on forever, wibbling and wobbling in divinity.